he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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