you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
