The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
