I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
