If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
