Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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