I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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