this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
