Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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