just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
