He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
