We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
