dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
