I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
