So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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