Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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