can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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