Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
