My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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