sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
