I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize