I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
