I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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