hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
