I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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