please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
