he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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