I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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