I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
