This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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