Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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