explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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