I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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