oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize