Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
