if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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