The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
