pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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