Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
