elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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