This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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