You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my sisters under your porch take her home
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
