I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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