I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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