Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize