I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
