Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
