Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(323): View more from California

it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway

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(714): View more from California

I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?

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(512): View more from Texas

Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?

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