I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
