we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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