dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
