I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
