if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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