The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
