I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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