we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
