his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize