my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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