turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i've created a new STD.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
