so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
